Christmas time is hhheeeeerrree!!!

Merry Christmas everyone! I cannot believe Christmas is already here. It seems like just yesterday it was Halloween! Christmas is probably my favorite holiday of the whole year...and not just because of the gift getting. Most of my favoritism for Christmas stems from the nostalgia I get during this time of year. I always remember what Christmas was when I was a child. It was about pulling out the tree, putting on ornaments while listening to Christmas music, wearing sweaters, singing songs, watching Rudolph and Frosty the Snowman, and being with family. I never really thought I would miss that stuff when I was younger and gradually got older. When I was a teenager I felt it was kind of lame. Well...not lame...just a lot of hassle I guess. I still enjoyed Christmas when I was a teenager, but I think I felt like I was being a child during those years. Now that I am a young adult, I find myself missing the times I had when I was a kid. I don't want to go back in time or anything, but I want Christmas to feel like Christmas again. Now don't get me wrong, today definitely felt like Christmas, but as I have now entered adulthood and no longer live with my parents...well...the events leading up to Christmas day are no longer there. I did try to rekindle some of that feeling though this year. One night Alanna and I put up the Christmas tree, and I enjoyed doing that so much. What once felt like a chore had now felt like something that had to be done, and I'm so glad it did. All I know is that I cannot wait until I one day have children so that I can instill the traditions and feelings of togetherness that my parents and family have instilled in me over these twenty-three years. And more importantly than that, I cannot wait to show my future children that the true meaning of Christmas is the birth of Jesus Christ who was sent to Earth by Lord the Father so that our sins may be forgiven and we may live with Him in eternity. It all comes down to that baby in the manger, and I am so thankful for that gift.

I am man?

As a man I am constantly trying to figure out just what it is to be a man. The stereotype of a man is one that drinks beer, plays golf, and only thinks about women and sex. The media protrays the perfect man as a guy who is chisled, has a square jaw, thick hair, no body hair, and stern yet warming look with their eyes. The latter, I feel, is what most men in my generation feel is the definition of a man. This piece of eye candy that may or may not have any emotional value. These men protrayed by today's media, film, and television are the type of men that get all the ladies, and how could you blame me or my fellow males for thinking this way? Whenever Brad Pitt or Taylor (whatever his last name is...dude from Twilight) walks on the screen, most, (if not all), women gasp...some even yell! If a man does this to a woman appearing on screen, then we are labeled as "pigs." It would appear that the shoe is now being worn on the other foot, and I feel that this is causing men to remain boys and not strive to find what it is to be a true man. But, if you were to ask a man what he feels is a "manly man" then you may be surprised at what you hear. Some will say a lumberjack, others a sailor, some may even say a soldier. Most men want to be men. We want to be able to grow our beards out, build natural muscle, and most importantly, be ourselves. Sure we want to be macho, but we also want to be a little sensitive. Now I know some guys reading this may be like, "Dude...I do not want to be girly," and I'm not saying that you do, I'm simply saying that most guys want to show that they do, infact, care. Being a man doesn't mean being a jerk. It doesn't mean treating women like objects. It doesn't mean hiding behind a fake mask that you put up to hide your true self. Being a man is being yourself, being emotionally there for someone, being a protector, and being emotionally and even physically strong for someone. Being a man means being in tune with the world around you and not falling into stereotypes. I'm a man. I do not drink, I don't play golf, I do like football, I don't only think about women and sex all day, I enjoy being outside, I want to provide for someone one day, I want to protect, and I want to encourage and lift up those around me. I want to be myself, but sadly I have to battle with insecurity. I would like to say I blame the media and film for my insecurities, but that would be a crutch and a copout and I refuse to say that. It is my fault I am insecure because I allow myself to buy into what they say. I'm balding, I have a beard, and I'm not chisled...and I can't help those things. I mean, I could get hair implants, shave, and work out like...40 hours a week, but then what? Is that me being me? I mean sure, I would like to workout more, sometimes I think about shaving, and having more hair would be nice...but doing those things won't make me a man. I refuse to believe that because I am not a "pretty boy" means I am not a man. I'm not a Ken doll and I never will be. I am Jeremy. I am a man who, like all men, is on a journey discovering exactly what that means...and that journey is far from over.

Hi, welcome to Walmart...

Hello person that is reading this! So something exciting has happened in my life lately...I got a job! I know right!? I'm pretty excited about it. I was starting to lose hope, but one day I got a call on my cell and on the other end was someone wanting to set up an interview with me. Two interviews, a job offer signing, a background check and peeing in a cup later...I'm now hired and I have orientation on Thursday! I am so blessed and thankful to have a job now. Oh, you're probably wondering what the job is right? Well I will be working in the grocery department at Walmart. I will be reshelving returns, stocking, and fixing up aisles. So yeah...I can't wait to start making money again lol. It was getting pretty rough trying to conserve gas in my truck. I realize I could have asked my Grandmamma for money at any time...but I really didn't want to do that all the time. I mean, I want to be as independant as I can. I realize that part of me not asking my Grandmamma for money was because of pride, but I mean...I don't know...I just didn't want to ask my Grandmother for money ok lol. Other exciting news: I got a new cell phone!

Yet another area in my life I have been blessed with. It is called the Alias 2 and it is from Samsung. It is a flip phone and also has a key pad. The buttons are also illuminated underneath by a screen. Basically it is awesome. My other cell phone served its purpose and now it is time for a new era...the Verizon era. Dang this phone is great. I actually get service! I can even call and text as clear as day. So text and call me whenever you want and I'll be sure to reply! (And if you need my number...just ask lol).

Now that I have a job...I can now start buying things again. (Don't worry...I won't like splurge my entire check. Since losing my job I have learned I need to be responsible with my money). All I know is I cannot WAIT to buy a CD again. And I am pretty sure Owl City's newest album "Ocean Eyes" is going to be my first purchase. It is a little different then what I normally listen to, but I like it a lot. The music is classified as electonica-pop and I like it. His lyrics are pretty catchy and so are the rhythms. I've been trying to branch out and listen to different stuff again and I think Owl City has come at just the right time.

So yeah, that pretty much sums everything up I think lol. Talk to ya later...PEACE!

The mind is a powerful thing...

My sister told me something valuable today. She told me, "Jeremy. In order to seem positive, you need to think positive. Stop saying you're stupid, fat, balding, or whatever is you say and start saying and thinking positve things about yourself. You need to love yourself." Ok, so that isn't EXACTLY how she said it, but I think you get the basic principle of the idea. I have heard this several times actually. Not directed necessarily at me but to people in general. I stopped and thought for a moment, and I do think and say negative things about myself. When I do something I immediately regret, I call myself stupid. I hate that my hair is receding, and I constantly draw attention to it to myself or joke about it to others. I wouldn't say that everything I think about myself is negative, but there definitely are a lot of times when I do. I seriously need to start loving myself. Not to the extent that I become an egotistical "insert your own word here" but just to the point that I can see positive things about myself. I noticed too that when I do see the positives in my life, I do, in fact, reflect that positiveness outwardly. It shouldn't be a secret (or come as a surprise) that there has been something weighing heavily on my mind lately, and that thing is still constantly in the back of my mind every single day. From the moment I wake up, to the last thought I have before going to bed, I think about it. I come up with scenarios putting me on the wrong end of the outcome because, well, I can't seem to find positive qualities in me that would make the outcome turn out any better. I mean, I CAN find good qualities about myself...I'm just worried that I'm not showing those qualities. I don't know...this all makes sense in my head haha. All I know is this: I'm going to stop calling myself stupid when I mess up and I'm going to stop focusing on my hairline and just focus on the great things in my life. I need to tell myself things like, "Hey...maybe I am a good drummer." Or even, "You're not as fat or bald as you may think Jeremy," and then maybe I won't have such a negative view of myself as often as I do...and then others will see that as well.

Spontaneous? What does that mean?

I don't like to get out of my comfort zone. I prefer things to be familiar with me. I would much rather have a routine for my day then have something spontaneously thrown into my daily plans. However, this is a boring way to live life and I am finally realizing this. I have always had this "play it safe" attitude and, well, it is pretty lame. I have been trying to assert myself and even trying to become more outgoing. It may sound silly, but one way I've been doing this is by actually answering answers in class. Back in the day I would just sit and wait for someone else to answer, but call it a change of living or even annoyance, but if I know the answer, I now try to answer it myself instead of waiting. Some of you reading this might think, "Ok...what is the big deal? I answer questions in class all the time." Well that may be true for you, and maybe you've never had a problem with speaking out, but I do. I actually remember the first time I ever stood up for myself in a classroom setting. It was about a year ago in my Accounting II class. My teacher accused the class of cheating on their homework and gave an automatic zero to the students she suspected of doing so. Naturally I was paranoid this meant I was part of this group of students, and soon time would confirm that feeling. She handed me my homework that had an "F" written in red circled at the top and the words, "You cheated" written beside it. Never in my life had I felt so angry. Not only was it an "F" but I was also accused of cheating. Immediately I called her out and told her I hadn't cheated. Her thought process was that we were just looking up the answers and writing them down. I told her I had checked my answers, as one would do in a math class, and had gone back and corrected my work. She, along with everyone else in the class, was stuned to hear the kid in the back actually talk. She apologized to me, took up my homework, and corrected the grade to an "A" (I would have been fine with a "B" but hey...I wasn't going to complain). At that moment I realized something new about myself. I can be assertive and outgoing and be just fine. Now I'm not saying to yell at teachers (which I was careful not to yell) to get your way. That was just one example from my life that has caused me to work on the whole "play it safe" mentality that I have had my whole life this far. I'm not quite as outgoing as I would like to be, but I'm working on it. I don't want to be the quiet kid in the back anymore. I don't want to be the person that gets walked on all the time anymore. I want to be the type of person that works hard for what they want and isn't afraid to speak up when given the chance or truly needs to. Plus, being spontaneous can be fun. I don't want to be the person that tells his friends, "Nah...I'd rather sit and be alone watching television than go to a concert and have fun." That Jeremy is slowly being replaced...and I couldn't be happier about it.

On the brink of disaster?....

I'm setting myself up for disaster. The sad part of it is I know this and I cannot, and will not, stop myself. It may seem odd to you that I do not plan on stopping myself and I do not blame you for feeling that way. You see, I constantly set myself up for doom. I have been doing this for a while now and there seems to be no end in sight. I like to do this thing where I imagine a scenario. I play this scenario over and over again in my head; coming up with different endings/conclusions and different ways in which it will all pan out. Generally the scenerio starts out simple and may even have a good ending. Progressively this changes. The endings begin to become negative and the scenarios start having me come out on the bad end of things. Now I'm not saying that I am a depressed person (so stop worrying) I am just simply letting you into my head. I feel the reason for these negative thoughts is because I seem to keep getting the wrong end of the stick. Right now I'm having a few issues in my life and I just wish that one really good thing would come my way. I cannot get a job. I get nervous every time I check my bank balance. I always wonder how I'm going to afford gas and sometimes even how I'm going to feed myself. There is another little issue I'm going through...but I'm not going to leak that onto the internet [plus it is the main reason I'm writing this blog and why I feel like I'm setting myself up for disaster...so if you really want to know...you'll have to ask me personally...sorry bro]. Sometimes its just my parnoia getting the best of me...and I hate that about myself. I'm not saying that I lack confidence, but with constantly having bad things happen to me...it has become increasingly difficult to have self esteem. There is, however, something that has been making me assert myself. Something that has been making me want to reach my goals in life and actually work hard to do so. What is so awesome to do this to me? What could possibly make me reach down within myself and pull out such drive and determination? Well, the reason for this blog is the "what." I'm sorry I cannot give more information than that. I mean, I would really love to just let everything out...but I cannot do that. Doing so would automatically end disastrous and I just cannot handle that right now. I want to just focus on how well things are going thus far and hope for the best in the end. Just know that the "something" is awesome and great. Once again I have written a sad blog and I apologize for that. Not everything in my life is sad or bad. I have a great family that I am so thankful for. I have great friends. And above all, I have a God and a Savior who both love me unconditionally...which is the single greatest thing in my life [and always will be]. With all that said, I am now going to go. I just hope that I am wrong this time and that perhaps what I want to happen will happen. I just cannot deal with disaster anymore...or at least for a while.

Happy happy, joy joy!...

A close friend once asked me, "Jeremy, what makes you happy?" And at first I responded by naming off friend's names, I talked about family and was about to keep going when she stopped me and said, "No Jeremy, I asked WHAT makes you happy, not WHO makes you happy. You can't always put all of your happiness into people. People are human. People let you down. I'm your close friend and even I am possible of letting you down." This really struck me. Never before had I realized I was basing most of my happiness on people. I began really evaluating my life right at that second and searching for an answer to give her, and the answer was so obvious. Without much hesitation, I said, "Drums and music." I had never been more certain about anything in my life before (well...besides putting my faith and trust in Jesus). After saying that, I began realizing more and more that that statement was true. Whenever I talk to someone about playing the drums, creating music, or even just talking about a band I like, I get so excited and happy. Whenever I am in a bad mood, my drums are always there for me. Whenever I'm bored and feel lonely, I can put on a cd and just rock out. Now don't get me wrong, there are still a lot of people that make me happy and ultimately my joy comes from God, but I strongly feel that we should all have something we do that we can find some happiness in. So now I'm going to ask you like my friend asked me...what makes you happy?

The future freaks me out...

Lately I've been thinking about my future. More specifically, what I want to do when I finally graduate. I graduate from JSCC in May and then plan on transferring to Union. I'm not entirely sure how long I'll be at Union, but while I'm there, I plan on continuing to major in Business Administration but also minor in Music. Part of me also wants to somehow get involved with Marketing, but we'll see how that goes. I know without a doubt that I want to do something in the Music Business. I realize it is a hard industry to get into and work for, but I am pretty determined to get into it. In the beginning, I wanted to be a musician. I will always be a musician, that will never change, but it is a lot harder to get into the business as a musician. This is where the "thinking about my future" comes into play. There are a few things I've been thinking about (some that may seem outside my capacity of actually doing...but I still think about it nonetheless). The possibilities include: getting a job at an existing label, starting a venue, or even starting my own label. I think it would both be fun and challenging to start my own label. I don't know, I've actually been giving that one a lot of thought. I realize there is a lot of work that goes into making a label, but it is something I kind of actually want to do. I need to network. I need to find people that would want to do this with me. People that are good with marketing, accounting, recording, and...of course...musicians/bands. Jackson doesn't seem like the type of town that could give me all that I need (as in musicians...I mean...I'm sure there are good bands around here...just not the types that would fit the label I have in mind). So I would obviously have to go out and find musicians and maybe even (most likely) relocate (move) again. BUT this wouldn't happen for a while now. I may even want to try to work for a label first, learn exactly how everything works, and then start my own. I don't know, all I DO know is that I want to work in the Music Business, and just the thought of starting a label excites and scares me. So yeah, just something I've been thinking about for...er...a few months now?

New Beginnings...

Hello everyone that reads this! So lately I've been blogging like...feelings and stuff...so I thought I should write a blog telling you about what has been going on in my life as well! Summer has officially come to an end...which means school has officially begun once again. I started my fifth year of college on the 31st of August and I've almost made it through the first month. So far...so good. I'm taking mostly entry level courses (ok...they are all entry level courses) and they aren't too bad. Actually, I don't know if you remember me telling you about a woman I nicknamed "Blurty" or not...but basically she was a woman who had "word vomit" every nite in my classes the past year and a half I've been at Jackson State. Well, she is no longer in any of my classes...however...she has been replaced by a new woman. I haven't come up with a clever nickname for her yet...and I'd like to keep her identity a secret...so I'll just call her "Woman who likes the sound of her own voice" yeah...that seems to fit. In a sick twisted way...I kind of miss Blurty *sigh*...ok...moving on. I am still creating musical fusion with Rhett and Kyle and it is still a lot of fun to jam with those guys. We've come up with our own version of "Rapper's Delight" and I gotta say...it is dang awesome! (Of course...I am a little biased in saying that). What else has happened...well...I'm still unemployed...which sucks. I keep putting in applications though, so hopefully someone will take a chance on me and call me in for an interview soon...I really really REALLY need gas money. Ok, enough of that. Along with playing with the guys, I've also been playing a lot more on my own! I've been learning some Hendrix, trying to play along with Rush, and playing some Gov't Mule and Derek Truck's Band stuff for The Danger Toxic Fumes, but I've also been trying to learn all the Paramore songs. I don't know, I really like Paramore's drum beats...they are a lot of fun to play. I've been working on my phrasing for drum solos and stuff too, and I can already tell a difference. Oh! I've still been reading my books as well. I finally finished "A Tale Of Two Cities" not too long ago and now I am reading "The Sound and The Fury." Two completely different writing styles, but still fun to read. And I probably shouldn't admit this, but I'm going to go ahead and do it...I...Jeremy Lindsey...am now addicted to the show "Gossip Girl." That feels so good to get out in the open (haha!). I know what you're thinking, and no, I am not gay. It's just a lot of fun to watch the drama and character growth that happens in the show. I would just like to thank Alanna for getting me hooked on that show, and no, I'm not complaining :] Well, there you have it, that, in a nut shell, is what is happening in the life of Jeremy. Some things are interesting, some things make me seem gay, but in the end, I'm still the same guy...just going through some new things in life...Peace!

"Patience is a virtue"...

...is something that I have heard my whole life, and patience seems to be the one thing that God continually is teaching me. Let me tell you a little bit about myself. I am the type of person that likes to make lists, set schedules, and even plan ahead. I'm not much of one to do anything too spontaneous, however, there are times when I do things that are spontaneous and I enjoy it when it happens (like making random runs to Wal Mart to buy white slip on shoes). But I don't always enjoy being spontaneous...like when I decided to just up and move from Minneapolis without really thinking a few things through. But yeah, because I make lists and schedules and even plan ahead...I always feel that things have to happen at a certain time and if they don't, I usually get a little upset or even frustrated. Things that this include would be: getting somewhere on time, finishing up a project, and even running to the store. I like to know how long something may take to happen so that I can be ready. Now, I realize that somethings cannot be put on a time table, and those are the things that I am learning to be patient about. Finishing college would be a great example of what I am talking about. I am so ready to be finished with college. I am ready to put college behind me and move on with life and move on to the next chapter of my life. College wasn't supposed to last this long...I wanted to be done in four years and then do whatever was next. I wasn't expecting to be in my fifth year of college, possibly looking at two more years, and still not having a set plan for when I do FINALLY graduate. But, like I said before, I need to realize that there are things I have to be patient about and I need to just trust in the Lord because I know He has things under control....and I need to learn that I don't always have to be in control. I can also give another little example that has recently happened in my life...but I really don't want to type all of that out...and I don't think it is really a good time to talk about it (or something like that). But again, with the "unsaid" development, I am just learning to be patient and waiting to see if and when it will happen (I'm really hoping it will happen though haha). I'm also learning to not get my hopes up TOO high and I'm trying to realize that the scenarios I play in my head won't always happen the way I would like them too...but again...who knows? Maybe in time they will...I just need to be patient.

They always say, "Things come in threes"...

Today I attempted to mow the Kappa Delta yard on Union University's campus. Now some of you may know that in the past I have had "bad luck" mowing this yard...so why would today be any different? Instead of push mowing this beast of a yard (like I usually do) I thought I would borrow my Aunt and Uncle's riding lawn mower to ease the load. It took me a while to get it all loaded up, but soon enough I was on my way to Union. There, I got the lawn mower off the hitch and started...well...to mow! Everything was going great...until I had to move a branch. I got off the lawn mower, moved a few branches out of the way, and got back on. I forgot to take the lawn mower out of park before I put the blades back down...which led to me killing the engine. I called my Uncle Randy and he told me to try jumping it off (which I did) and after a while I was back in business. I finished the line I was mowing and turned to start the next line...when I hit the incline. Now, this sorority house is built on a slope/hill and at one point the slope is steep. The lawn mower tryed pulling a "Little Engine That Could" and it almost made it up...until it got stuck. So, I went in reverse, put the blades back down...but the blades wouldn't move. I turned the engine off, crawled underneath a little to find out what was wrong and decided just to go back to the house. I brought it back and my Uncle determined the belt that rotates the blades slipped off. After much trying, we got the belt back on and I thought, "Ok...I'll try this for the third time." I got back out there, started mowing, and all the sudden...SNAP!...the blade belt snapped. So the lawn continues to be the "Lawn from 'Heck'" and tomorrow I think I will go out and try to get it with the push mower. I just feel bad for snapping that belt on my Aunt and Uncle's lawn mower though :/

The Danger Toxic Fumes...

As a person, I love listening to music. As a musician, I love performing music. Lately I have been playing music with my friends Rhett and Kyle and Kyle's uncle Kenneth. We call ourselves "The Danger Toxic Fumes" and we have a lot of fun creating music together. The style of music we play is blues/classic rock and before meeting these guys, I never really played these two styles. I mean, don't get me wrong, I've played blues music before, just never voluntarily. In college it was something I HAD to do as a music major. The groups I played with in college seemed to have the same mentality, which didn't make it much fun to play. But these guys are different. These guys LOVE to play this stuff, and now so do I. It is so much more fun to play music with guys that have a passion for what they are playing. When someone is forced to play something they don't enjoy, then it shows. I know that may seem like an obvious statement...but it is true. Back in Minneapolis I was in a rock band, and I loved every minute of it. (Yes, even some of the creative arguments we might have had...it was all part of the process). I enjoyed playing shows and bringing joy to people just by simply hitting a drum. I've never been one to want any honors or accolades for my playing, just seeing a smile on someone's face and watching them enjoying themselves has always been enough for me. The Danger Toxic Fumes hasn't played a gig yet (we really want to though) and right now we are just having a lot of fun getting together and creating music, which is what it should always be about.

I went to the cemetary today...

Today I found myself standing in front of my Grandaddy's grave. I hadn't been to his grave since the last day of his funeral. That was in July of 2001. At first I just stood there, reading the name of my deceased grandfather. Without any hesitation on my part, I began to cry. I was flooded with emotion. I realized at that exact moment how much I truly missed my Grandaddy. Some might think it odd or weird, but I began to talk to him. I told him how I was sorry about not coming to visit him sooner. I told him how I have grown up into a man now and that everyone says I look a lot like him. I talked about how I was thankful for the man he raised who would become my father and that I only hoped I could be half the man the two of them were and are. I told him how I'm just one big indesive mess and how all I want is to make my family proud. I explained that I'm still not sure exactly what I want to do in life, but I'm working on it. I told him how I'm still single and trying to be patient and wait for "the one" but that sometimes I just get impatient and wish she was in my life now...and who knows?...maybe she is? I even told him that I'm still playing the drums and I enjoy it a lot. I even told him that mom and grandmama were doing fine and that Miranda has grown up into a woman and that he wouldn't believe how fast Kortney was growing up. I also told him about how I just took a trip to California and how well Aunt Sue was doing. I also told him that Uncle Leon had to go to the hospital, but to my knowledge he was doing better. Before leaving, I told him I loved him and missed him. I told him I wished he was still alive because now I have questions I'd like to ask him. Things I would like to hear him tell me. But I know that everything works in God's timing and that it was ok. I pressed my hand over his name plate and said, "Goodbye Grandaddy," and started to walk away. Before leaving, I noticed a registry. So I wrote his name down and said, "I miss you and love you Grandaddy," and then left. I really do miss that man. He was a great man. He left a huge impression on my heart and I love him so much. I just wish he was alive to see the man that I have become and that I'm still becoming. I wish that my future children would have had the chance to have met such a great man. I know he is in Heaven and I cannot wait to see him again. I love you Grandaddy.