On the brink of disaster?....

I'm setting myself up for disaster. The sad part of it is I know this and I cannot, and will not, stop myself. It may seem odd to you that I do not plan on stopping myself and I do not blame you for feeling that way. You see, I constantly set myself up for doom. I have been doing this for a while now and there seems to be no end in sight. I like to do this thing where I imagine a scenario. I play this scenario over and over again in my head; coming up with different endings/conclusions and different ways in which it will all pan out. Generally the scenerio starts out simple and may even have a good ending. Progressively this changes. The endings begin to become negative and the scenarios start having me come out on the bad end of things. Now I'm not saying that I am a depressed person (so stop worrying) I am just simply letting you into my head. I feel the reason for these negative thoughts is because I seem to keep getting the wrong end of the stick. Right now I'm having a few issues in my life and I just wish that one really good thing would come my way. I cannot get a job. I get nervous every time I check my bank balance. I always wonder how I'm going to afford gas and sometimes even how I'm going to feed myself. There is another little issue I'm going through...but I'm not going to leak that onto the internet [plus it is the main reason I'm writing this blog and why I feel like I'm setting myself up for disaster...so if you really want to know...you'll have to ask me personally...sorry bro]. Sometimes its just my parnoia getting the best of me...and I hate that about myself. I'm not saying that I lack confidence, but with constantly having bad things happen to me...it has become increasingly difficult to have self esteem. There is, however, something that has been making me assert myself. Something that has been making me want to reach my goals in life and actually work hard to do so. What is so awesome to do this to me? What could possibly make me reach down within myself and pull out such drive and determination? Well, the reason for this blog is the "what." I'm sorry I cannot give more information than that. I mean, I would really love to just let everything out...but I cannot do that. Doing so would automatically end disastrous and I just cannot handle that right now. I want to just focus on how well things are going thus far and hope for the best in the end. Just know that the "something" is awesome and great. Once again I have written a sad blog and I apologize for that. Not everything in my life is sad or bad. I have a great family that I am so thankful for. I have great friends. And above all, I have a God and a Savior who both love me unconditionally...which is the single greatest thing in my life [and always will be]. With all that said, I am now going to go. I just hope that I am wrong this time and that perhaps what I want to happen will happen. I just cannot deal with disaster anymore...or at least for a while.