New Year

So another year has come and gone. It is now the year 2011 and I am pretty excited about it. Last year was not the greatest year for me and I'm hoping this year will be at least a little better. I mean I know there will always be ups and downs, but I'm really hoping to make things better for myself this year. I feel like resolutions have become kind of...well...cliche, but I still made a few of them anyway. This year I want to become more confident in myself. I want to lose weight, become more healthy, and I also want to write regularly on here. This year I also plan on getting a better job (crossing my fingers) and making a big change in my life by moving up to Maryland. I'm grateful for the job I have, I really am, but it is time for a change. There are a lot of days where I go to work and just hate it. I can't help but think that I am meant for so much more and that I can do a lot better for myself. I also plan on going back to school and getting my four year degree. So yeah...I don't really have anything else to really report on I guess. Just thought I would get some stuff out there and get ready for the new year! I'm excited to post stories and blog again. I'm sure I will post and blog some stuff that happened last year (or at least towards the end of the year). Ok...peace.

James: an old best friend

I lost a friend once. I don't mean in the relational sense, rather I am speaking of their physical presence in this world. His name was James and his life was taken at the age of twelve. We met when we were both in the fifth grade, and we were inseparable. We did everything together. We were always at each other's houses, we had the same classes in middle school, we had sleep overs, and we would even play "Jurassic Park." We were two boys getting ready to embark on a journey to becoming men. We were almost at that age where we would have to find our true identies as we prepared ourselves for our future lives. But for the time being we were just enjoying being kids. James was my best friend right from the moment I met him. I was in a new school. I had no friends and not too many people wanted to be my friend. James sat in the corner of the room and right away I could tell he wasn't like everyone else. He was like me. He was outcast from his surrounding peers. His shunning perhaps was a result of a time before I knew him, but mine was because I was yet again the "new kid." I do not remember exactly how we were introduced, but I do know that we became best friends soon after that moment. Our friendship carried over into Middle School where we had even a harder time fitting in. We stuck together though. We were bound and determined to get through all the crap that was thrown our way. Our friendship lasted for almost three years until that moment came for me to move yet again. I did not want to move but I had no choice. My father had received orders to go to Limestone, Maine and I had no say in the matter. James and I would carry on like my time was not nearing, but deep down we knew our time together was drawing to an end. It was my last day of school and James was no where to be found. He decided he didn't want to go to school that day so he convinced his parents to let him stay home. I didn't get to say goodbye to my best friend that day. Instead I talked to him briefly on the phone just before I left town. The thing is our conversation was that of an argument. I don't remember all the details, but I'm pretty sure I was just upset that I wasn't going to get to see my best friend before I had to leave. Sometimes its just easier to be mad at someone before you have to leave too. It is a lot easier to be angry than to be sad. I told him I would give him a call though and hung up. That was the last time I talked to James. My family and I began our long journey from California to Maine around Christmas time. We stopped shortly here in Tennessee to celebrate Christmas with family and then returned to the long road before us. We finally reached Limestone and settled in when I decided it was time to give James a call. I decided I would call my other friend Scott first just to catch up because I knew I would be on the phone for awhile with James. Scott was the one who gave me the bad news. He told me James had been struck by a vehicle and died of internal bleeding. Thinking it was a cruel practical joke I called him a liar. He told me in all seriousness it was true and even had his mother tell me what had happened. My stomach sank and I wept for my friend. I decided I still needed to call his family, and I did. His mother answered and she said, "Oh Jeremy, I'm so sorry." I told her I had heard the news and that I was the one that was sorry. I couldn't believe I had lost my best friend up to that point in my life. He was gone forever. He no longer had a chance to live out his childhood and become a man. His life was cut short at twelve and he had no control over that. I often think back and remember James. I sometimes try to imagine what his life would be like now if he had not passed away. I think he would be a movie director. He loved movies and he was determined to live his dream. I had never seen such drive in a person before, especially in a person that young. I hope that I have a drive like that. A drive to live out my passions and dreams. I don't have all the answers yet, but I'm trying. All I know is we only have one life and we had better live it as well as we can. It is a privilege to have lived this long, and I hope and plan on living as long as I can. James inspires me to this day. I had to grow up a little that day I learned about his death and I'm still growing up. My only regret? That slight disagreement the two of us had before I hung up that phone for the last time. I don't beat myself up over it though. We shared a lot of great times and I know he wouldn't want me to live my life full of regret. Cherish the ones that are in your life now. Cherish the friendships you make and make them grow. That is what James taught me and I couldn't be more grateful for that.

Minneapolis (a life once lived).

I miss Minneapolis. The way of life, the people, the music...everything. My life was a lot less complicated when I lived there and sometimes even more enjoyable. Don't get me wrong, I have had some great times here in Tennessee...but there is just something about Minneapolis that I miss. Maybe it's just the fact that I miss living in the city? I definitely enjoyed living in a big city. The lights, the atmosphere, the events...none of that really exists here. I don't blame Jackson for that...I mean...how can you blame a city for the things it doesn't have? And I'm not saying I never had a hard time in Minneapolis...that is definitely not true...I just seem to be having a hard time fitting in here. I realize it is a little weird to say that since I've been living here for a little over two years now...but I seriously am still having a hard time finding my place in this town. I have gotten to the point where I do not know what to do. I need a magic 8 ball or someone to tell me what to do next. I graduate in May and I need to decide where to go next. The time is quickly approaching for me to make a decision and one needs to be made. I don't know what this blog is about...maybe it is a about a life once lived that I wish would come back...or maybe it's about how I need to embrace this new life I have...or maybe it is about how I need to just get over myself and just live life. Things will get better. They were getting better and they are getting better...so I know that things will keep getting better...or at least I hope they do.

Update?

Life is going really well right now. Things are happening that I am so excited about. I cannot wait to see what these things will become and I know that they will become great things. I'm close to graduating with my Associates, I'm holding down a job, and other things are happening. I'm trying to figure out what I want to do after I graduate, and one of the ideas I have is to venture out to Knoxville. I hear its a pretty great city here in Tennessee and I am pretty easily persuaded so who knows!? Here lately I have been trying to be slightly more outgoing and less reserved. I've been trying to be more open and comfortable...and I think I'm doing a good job about it. I can feel my self confidence improving and that is an amazing feeling to have. Awesome things are happening and I hope they keep happening and just keep getting better. Im both scared and excited about all these new things...but I'm mostly excited. So yeah, I don't really know what else to say...so...peace.

ps - "Wonderwall" has been on repeat...but I've been trying to give myself a break from it lol.

Christmas time is hhheeeeerrree!!!

Merry Christmas everyone! I cannot believe Christmas is already here. It seems like just yesterday it was Halloween! Christmas is probably my favorite holiday of the whole year...and not just because of the gift getting. Most of my favoritism for Christmas stems from the nostalgia I get during this time of year. I always remember what Christmas was when I was a child. It was about pulling out the tree, putting on ornaments while listening to Christmas music, wearing sweaters, singing songs, watching Rudolph and Frosty the Snowman, and being with family. I never really thought I would miss that stuff when I was younger and gradually got older. When I was a teenager I felt it was kind of lame. Well...not lame...just a lot of hassle I guess. I still enjoyed Christmas when I was a teenager, but I think I felt like I was being a child during those years. Now that I am a young adult, I find myself missing the times I had when I was a kid. I don't want to go back in time or anything, but I want Christmas to feel like Christmas again. Now don't get me wrong, today definitely felt like Christmas, but as I have now entered adulthood and no longer live with my parents...well...the events leading up to Christmas day are no longer there. I did try to rekindle some of that feeling though this year. One night Alanna and I put up the Christmas tree, and I enjoyed doing that so much. What once felt like a chore had now felt like something that had to be done, and I'm so glad it did. All I know is that I cannot wait until I one day have children so that I can instill the traditions and feelings of togetherness that my parents and family have instilled in me over these twenty-three years. And more importantly than that, I cannot wait to show my future children that the true meaning of Christmas is the birth of Jesus Christ who was sent to Earth by Lord the Father so that our sins may be forgiven and we may live with Him in eternity. It all comes down to that baby in the manger, and I am so thankful for that gift.

I am man?

As a man I am constantly trying to figure out just what it is to be a man. The stereotype of a man is one that drinks beer, plays golf, and only thinks about women and sex. The media protrays the perfect man as a guy who is chisled, has a square jaw, thick hair, no body hair, and stern yet warming look with their eyes. The latter, I feel, is what most men in my generation feel is the definition of a man. This piece of eye candy that may or may not have any emotional value. These men protrayed by today's media, film, and television are the type of men that get all the ladies, and how could you blame me or my fellow males for thinking this way? Whenever Brad Pitt or Taylor (whatever his last name is...dude from Twilight) walks on the screen, most, (if not all), women gasp...some even yell! If a man does this to a woman appearing on screen, then we are labeled as "pigs." It would appear that the shoe is now being worn on the other foot, and I feel that this is causing men to remain boys and not strive to find what it is to be a true man. But, if you were to ask a man what he feels is a "manly man" then you may be surprised at what you hear. Some will say a lumberjack, others a sailor, some may even say a soldier. Most men want to be men. We want to be able to grow our beards out, build natural muscle, and most importantly, be ourselves. Sure we want to be macho, but we also want to be a little sensitive. Now I know some guys reading this may be like, "Dude...I do not want to be girly," and I'm not saying that you do, I'm simply saying that most guys want to show that they do, infact, care. Being a man doesn't mean being a jerk. It doesn't mean treating women like objects. It doesn't mean hiding behind a fake mask that you put up to hide your true self. Being a man is being yourself, being emotionally there for someone, being a protector, and being emotionally and even physically strong for someone. Being a man means being in tune with the world around you and not falling into stereotypes. I'm a man. I do not drink, I don't play golf, I do like football, I don't only think about women and sex all day, I enjoy being outside, I want to provide for someone one day, I want to protect, and I want to encourage and lift up those around me. I want to be myself, but sadly I have to battle with insecurity. I would like to say I blame the media and film for my insecurities, but that would be a crutch and a copout and I refuse to say that. It is my fault I am insecure because I allow myself to buy into what they say. I'm balding, I have a beard, and I'm not chisled...and I can't help those things. I mean, I could get hair implants, shave, and work out like...40 hours a week, but then what? Is that me being me? I mean sure, I would like to workout more, sometimes I think about shaving, and having more hair would be nice...but doing those things won't make me a man. I refuse to believe that because I am not a "pretty boy" means I am not a man. I'm not a Ken doll and I never will be. I am Jeremy. I am a man who, like all men, is on a journey discovering exactly what that means...and that journey is far from over.

Hi, welcome to Walmart...

Hello person that is reading this! So something exciting has happened in my life lately...I got a job! I know right!? I'm pretty excited about it. I was starting to lose hope, but one day I got a call on my cell and on the other end was someone wanting to set up an interview with me. Two interviews, a job offer signing, a background check and peeing in a cup later...I'm now hired and I have orientation on Thursday! I am so blessed and thankful to have a job now. Oh, you're probably wondering what the job is right? Well I will be working in the grocery department at Walmart. I will be reshelving returns, stocking, and fixing up aisles. So yeah...I can't wait to start making money again lol. It was getting pretty rough trying to conserve gas in my truck. I realize I could have asked my Grandmamma for money at any time...but I really didn't want to do that all the time. I mean, I want to be as independant as I can. I realize that part of me not asking my Grandmamma for money was because of pride, but I mean...I don't know...I just didn't want to ask my Grandmother for money ok lol. Other exciting news: I got a new cell phone!

Yet another area in my life I have been blessed with. It is called the Alias 2 and it is from Samsung. It is a flip phone and also has a key pad. The buttons are also illuminated underneath by a screen. Basically it is awesome. My other cell phone served its purpose and now it is time for a new era...the Verizon era. Dang this phone is great. I actually get service! I can even call and text as clear as day. So text and call me whenever you want and I'll be sure to reply! (And if you need my number...just ask lol).

Now that I have a job...I can now start buying things again. (Don't worry...I won't like splurge my entire check. Since losing my job I have learned I need to be responsible with my money). All I know is I cannot WAIT to buy a CD again. And I am pretty sure Owl City's newest album "Ocean Eyes" is going to be my first purchase. It is a little different then what I normally listen to, but I like it a lot. The music is classified as electonica-pop and I like it. His lyrics are pretty catchy and so are the rhythms. I've been trying to branch out and listen to different stuff again and I think Owl City has come at just the right time.

So yeah, that pretty much sums everything up I think lol. Talk to ya later...PEACE!

The mind is a powerful thing...

My sister told me something valuable today. She told me, "Jeremy. In order to seem positive, you need to think positive. Stop saying you're stupid, fat, balding, or whatever is you say and start saying and thinking positve things about yourself. You need to love yourself." Ok, so that isn't EXACTLY how she said it, but I think you get the basic principle of the idea. I have heard this several times actually. Not directed necessarily at me but to people in general. I stopped and thought for a moment, and I do think and say negative things about myself. When I do something I immediately regret, I call myself stupid. I hate that my hair is receding, and I constantly draw attention to it to myself or joke about it to others. I wouldn't say that everything I think about myself is negative, but there definitely are a lot of times when I do. I seriously need to start loving myself. Not to the extent that I become an egotistical "insert your own word here" but just to the point that I can see positive things about myself. I noticed too that when I do see the positives in my life, I do, in fact, reflect that positiveness outwardly. It shouldn't be a secret (or come as a surprise) that there has been something weighing heavily on my mind lately, and that thing is still constantly in the back of my mind every single day. From the moment I wake up, to the last thought I have before going to bed, I think about it. I come up with scenarios putting me on the wrong end of the outcome because, well, I can't seem to find positive qualities in me that would make the outcome turn out any better. I mean, I CAN find good qualities about myself...I'm just worried that I'm not showing those qualities. I don't know...this all makes sense in my head haha. All I know is this: I'm going to stop calling myself stupid when I mess up and I'm going to stop focusing on my hairline and just focus on the great things in my life. I need to tell myself things like, "Hey...maybe I am a good drummer." Or even, "You're not as fat or bald as you may think Jeremy," and then maybe I won't have such a negative view of myself as often as I do...and then others will see that as well.

Spontaneous? What does that mean?

I don't like to get out of my comfort zone. I prefer things to be familiar with me. I would much rather have a routine for my day then have something spontaneously thrown into my daily plans. However, this is a boring way to live life and I am finally realizing this. I have always had this "play it safe" attitude and, well, it is pretty lame. I have been trying to assert myself and even trying to become more outgoing. It may sound silly, but one way I've been doing this is by actually answering answers in class. Back in the day I would just sit and wait for someone else to answer, but call it a change of living or even annoyance, but if I know the answer, I now try to answer it myself instead of waiting. Some of you reading this might think, "Ok...what is the big deal? I answer questions in class all the time." Well that may be true for you, and maybe you've never had a problem with speaking out, but I do. I actually remember the first time I ever stood up for myself in a classroom setting. It was about a year ago in my Accounting II class. My teacher accused the class of cheating on their homework and gave an automatic zero to the students she suspected of doing so. Naturally I was paranoid this meant I was part of this group of students, and soon time would confirm that feeling. She handed me my homework that had an "F" written in red circled at the top and the words, "You cheated" written beside it. Never in my life had I felt so angry. Not only was it an "F" but I was also accused of cheating. Immediately I called her out and told her I hadn't cheated. Her thought process was that we were just looking up the answers and writing them down. I told her I had checked my answers, as one would do in a math class, and had gone back and corrected my work. She, along with everyone else in the class, was stuned to hear the kid in the back actually talk. She apologized to me, took up my homework, and corrected the grade to an "A" (I would have been fine with a "B" but hey...I wasn't going to complain). At that moment I realized something new about myself. I can be assertive and outgoing and be just fine. Now I'm not saying to yell at teachers (which I was careful not to yell) to get your way. That was just one example from my life that has caused me to work on the whole "play it safe" mentality that I have had my whole life this far. I'm not quite as outgoing as I would like to be, but I'm working on it. I don't want to be the quiet kid in the back anymore. I don't want to be the person that gets walked on all the time anymore. I want to be the type of person that works hard for what they want and isn't afraid to speak up when given the chance or truly needs to. Plus, being spontaneous can be fun. I don't want to be the person that tells his friends, "Nah...I'd rather sit and be alone watching television than go to a concert and have fun." That Jeremy is slowly being replaced...and I couldn't be happier about it.

On the brink of disaster?....

I'm setting myself up for disaster. The sad part of it is I know this and I cannot, and will not, stop myself. It may seem odd to you that I do not plan on stopping myself and I do not blame you for feeling that way. You see, I constantly set myself up for doom. I have been doing this for a while now and there seems to be no end in sight. I like to do this thing where I imagine a scenario. I play this scenario over and over again in my head; coming up with different endings/conclusions and different ways in which it will all pan out. Generally the scenerio starts out simple and may even have a good ending. Progressively this changes. The endings begin to become negative and the scenarios start having me come out on the bad end of things. Now I'm not saying that I am a depressed person (so stop worrying) I am just simply letting you into my head. I feel the reason for these negative thoughts is because I seem to keep getting the wrong end of the stick. Right now I'm having a few issues in my life and I just wish that one really good thing would come my way. I cannot get a job. I get nervous every time I check my bank balance. I always wonder how I'm going to afford gas and sometimes even how I'm going to feed myself. There is another little issue I'm going through...but I'm not going to leak that onto the internet [plus it is the main reason I'm writing this blog and why I feel like I'm setting myself up for disaster...so if you really want to know...you'll have to ask me personally...sorry bro]. Sometimes its just my parnoia getting the best of me...and I hate that about myself. I'm not saying that I lack confidence, but with constantly having bad things happen to me...it has become increasingly difficult to have self esteem. There is, however, something that has been making me assert myself. Something that has been making me want to reach my goals in life and actually work hard to do so. What is so awesome to do this to me? What could possibly make me reach down within myself and pull out such drive and determination? Well, the reason for this blog is the "what." I'm sorry I cannot give more information than that. I mean, I would really love to just let everything out...but I cannot do that. Doing so would automatically end disastrous and I just cannot handle that right now. I want to just focus on how well things are going thus far and hope for the best in the end. Just know that the "something" is awesome and great. Once again I have written a sad blog and I apologize for that. Not everything in my life is sad or bad. I have a great family that I am so thankful for. I have great friends. And above all, I have a God and a Savior who both love me unconditionally...which is the single greatest thing in my life [and always will be]. With all that said, I am now going to go. I just hope that I am wrong this time and that perhaps what I want to happen will happen. I just cannot deal with disaster anymore...or at least for a while.